Best New Poetry: Before Diagnosis by Mara Lovelock

Before Diagnosis

by Mara Lovelock

I was skinny

loved the way my naked torso

looked in the mirror

So I ignored the lumps

slowly growing in number and size

along my neck,

face already gaunt

I was exhausted

but Instagram told me

that means

you are a good mother

I woke every midnight

shivering

night sweats turned cold

but it was probably just

the post-partum hormones,

the trauma therapy,

or a side effect

of being alive

Bringing my son in bed with me

every morning

offering up

the rapidly depleting nutrients

from my body

was a virtuous act

On the day of his second birthday party

I felt nothing,

remember nothing

my body was not mine

I hear they had a good time

---

Mara Lovelock (she/her) is an emerging poet whose work explores trauma, illness, domestic life, queer desire, nature, and mindfulness. She facilitates a community mindfulness and meditation group and is at work on a memoir-in-poems manuscript. Her poem “The Hypnotist” was featured as a poem of the day for Gnashing Teeth Publishing. She lives in Santa Clara, CA with her husband and 4-year-old son. IG: @maralovelockpoetry